X always knew she didn’t want children.
Don’t look for big reasons because there aren’t any.
Population density never bothered her. Neither did the climate crisis. Her financial situation is average and she carries no childhood trauma.
So why not? Just because.
I have been childfree for as long as I can remember.
Throughout my life I liked children, I enjoyed playing with them and hearing their wise words, but I didn’t want to raise them myself.
She met her partner in her twenties and made it clear on the second date that children were not her thing.
He was not deterred. Like many others, he was confident that her lack of desire would change eventually and after all, what 20 something man would walk away from a woman he liked just because she made statements about a future he didn’t know would happen?
So he didn’t leave.
They continued dating and their relationship became more and more serious.
Another year passed and another and they still found themselves together in a stable relationship full of love and security.
Occasionally, he would check if her childfree stance had changed and discovered it remained, steady almost like their relationship.
For him, however, the desire to be a parent began to stir.
“At some point I gave in,” she admits. “Half a year ago, I gave birth to our first daughter, who is also definitely our last.
For me, even though I am a mother, I am still childfree in every fiber of my being.
I would never have chosen this parenthood for myself.
I did it because I love my husband and because his happiness is important to me.
I give her everything I can now and will try to continue giving in the future.
She deserves everything.”
X separated after 8 years of relationship.
Beyond annoying questions from family and friends, pressure to convince them, and social stigma, they face a significant challenge: finding a partner. How likely is it to fall in love with someone who shares your desires or lack thereof regarding children? And what happens in relationships where one partner is childfree while the other wants to become a parent?
Unlike X, who yielded to her partner’s desire to become a father, Y, 33 chose to end the relationship.
I don’t think there’s a real way to bridge that gap, she says. Just over a year ago, she broke up with her partner of eight years after he expressed a clear desire to become a parent, a desire she had only moved further away from over the years.
I realized I was childfree during our relationship.
As a child, I dreamed of having kids, but over the years I realized it wasn’t for me.
When we met, I was 20 and still unsure of exactly what I wanted or where things were going.
I was very honest with him, clarifying that at that moment I didn’t want children and wasn’t sure if that desire would ever arise, but we didn’t dwell on it.
It was a new relationship and we enjoyed being together. Who thinks about such things then? Am I supposed to end a good relationship over something that might or might not happen two hundred years from now?
We had harmony, a lot of love, respect and communication.
But the question of children started to arise after a few years.
My idea increasingly leaned toward not having children, while his desire grew toward ‘I want to be financially stable enough to have oneת When we met, he was already 30.
I come from a background of mental health challenges from a young age, including psychiatric hospitalizations.
I am aware of how much energy it takes for me to manage things considered normal by others, like work, relationships, or even basic functioning at home.
As I grow older, I realize more and more how much energy children take.
In my view, if you have a child, it must be a conscious, fully aware decision: I am going to expend energy and resources to raise a person.
With time, understanding my limitations, I decided it wouldn’t be fair to direct my energy elsewhere, and it wouldn’t be fair to a little being who didn’t choose to come here, likely suffering from my incapability.
And when you shared all these fears with your ex, what was his reaction?
He’s very optimistic and capable, With lots of goodwill.
Many times he said: ‘I can handle it. I’ll carry it for both of us.
That’s very nice but it’s not realistic.
He doesn’t understand what it will cost him to do so much alone.
And being who I am, seeing my partner raising the child without being involved as I would like is a very high price.
Lack of involvement is not by choice it’s a matter of psychological ability.
Many people, including my family and my ex, believe that if I had a child, I’d suddenly ‘awaken’ and manifest unlimited maternal powers.
I don’t believe it. I don’t think I could be present as much as I’d want to, as a child deserves.
It’s also unfair to be with a partner and have so much responsibility fall on them.
The relationship progressed and conversations became more intense, yet neither dared say the word breakup.
I knew it was going this way, that ultimately we had an irreconcilable issue and each of us would eventually have to go our own way.
How will you feel when he becomes a parent?
It’s complicated. I guess I’ll feel some pain for not being part of it, but also a lot of happiness for him. this is what he wants.
I always love him I can do a lot to please others, but not bring a new life into the world
The happy ending here is the ability to choose yourself over an excellent relationship.
Letting go allows both of us the chance for happy lives.
It’s sad but also a blessing.