There are topics that are hard to talk about, and infidelity is one of them. The feeling that someone you trusted actually lied to you is not easy.
Beyond that, what happens afterwards? How do you enter a new relationship without fear controlling us or the sense of trust being shaken? I spoke with relationship coach about this very sensitive topic.
“You have to understand that infidelity is not the act,” it is a physical, emotional and psychological experience that creates like an internal earthquake.
It is something that shakes all the foundations, breaking the hardest trust there is.”
Many people also think that when they leave a relationship, they leave the pain behind.
But in reality, things are a little different.
“The chaos goes with them, the mess stays inside them, And it’s very important to understand, because sometimes I think, okay, I left the relationship and I don’t realize how much this thing continues to control me.”
The body remembers what the mind tries to forget
When someone goes through infidelity, the brain, the mind and the body enter survival mode.
“It is very hard to explain to someone who hasn’t experienced infidelity what it means, but it is really a traumatic experience, because it actually shakes the most basic feeling of a person, the sense of security.”
So the world that seemed safe, turns out it really wasn’t.
“So we start doubting ourselves,” How didn’t I know, how didn’t I see, how didn’t I do, what was there? And suddenly this whole area, the prefrontal cortex, which is responsible for our decision making, weakens a lot, because I am afraid to make decisions.
Because if I trusted myself in the past and thought this relationship was good and excellent, now I can no longer trust myself.”
Beyond that, the memory of infidelity does not disappear so quickly.
“If you think about what happened and still feel in your body the anger, the contraction, or the fear, it means the memory is still alive inside you.
It’s trauma that hasn’t disappeared, it’s only been silenced.”
The real fear is not of men
At this stage, it is important to understand something.
“Women who were betrayed are not afraid of men and men who were betrayed are not afraid of women,” she says.
“The real fear is the ability of yourself to recognize in time.
I am afraid I won’t see it coming again.”
According to her, infidelity breaks three basic needs in every person: the need to be seen, the need to feel that I have value and the need to feel chosen.
When these are shaken, it is hard to believe that someone will truly want me.
And then, instead of choosing love, I choose fake security.
“People who were hurt by infidelity tend to choose impossible relationships, with someone unavailable, distant, married or someone who doesn’t really want a relationship,It’s not conscious, it’s a defense mechanism but if it’s clear from the start that it won’t work, then I also don’t really risk myself.”
Three areas to check yourself
So what can be done to overcome fear? checking three main things:
The body: “If the body is tense, if there is distress or decreased desire, it is a sign that the trauma is still alive inside you.
It is important to release it, work on connecting to the body and reduce stress.”
Beliefs: “After infidelity, limiting beliefs are created: ‘Love is dangerous,’ ‘Everyone cheats,’ ‘I must be in control.’ You need to recognize these beliefs and understand that they protect but also imprison.”
Behavior: “Do you disappear to see if they will miss you? Do you please so they won’t leave? Do you avoid for fear of being hurt? These are signs that fear controls you, not you controlling it.”
It didn’t happen because of you
“It’s important to understand that infidelity did not happen because of you, No one cheats because someone else is ‘not enough.’
Men cheat sometimes because they want to feel young and free, women cheat because something inside them went out and they want to feel desired again.
This does not justify infidelity, but it’s also not about you.”
At the same time, it is worth examining your part, not out of guilt, but out of learning. “If I withdrew, if I became indifferent, if I stopped listening, maybe I also contributed to the distance.
It doesn’t justify infidelity, but it’s an opportunity to understand myself better.”
Another exercise recommend is to take the red flags from the previous relationship that you didn’t notice, maybe he didn’t answer the phone in the evening, or suddenly disappeared for a whole day, and decide that if it happens again, you act differently.
Another point, never rely only on words. “Men are tested by actions and consistency,” she explains. “For example, if someone says he wants a serious relationship, does this align with his actions? Does he dedicate time to you, does he really pursue, or is he just telling a story?”
When obsession takes over
At this point, it is easy to develop obsession in a new relationship.
“I see women who were betrayed and in the next relationship suddenly ask, ‘Why did he go to the bathroom with his phone?’ or demand he posts a story with them, But when we try to control, we actually make him lie. It is a mechanism that pushes away, not brings closer.”
If you choose to enter a relationship, enter from a place of trust. “You don’t need to wait to be 100%, but pay attention to what happens to you. If you start to panic and react obsessively, this is a red light inviting treatment or support.”
The most important message, is that true trust starts from within.
“When I enter a new relationship, I am not looking for someone to give me security, I return the trust to myself. I learn to notice the flags I ignored, ask why I was afraid to set boundaries and remember, I can trust myself to notice faster.”
Men and women: same pain, different expression
Despite the stigma, men and women are hurt by infidelity with the same intensity.
“The difference is only in the way it comes out, Women tend to bring the pain out, talk about it, seek answers.
Men have difficulty opening emotionally and therefore sometimes distance themselves precisely when they are most hurt.”
It is also important to remember that not everyone cheats and even if you experienced this kind of pain, there is a way back.
“The wound may remain, but it no longer controls us, we are the ones managing our hearts.”