When the ex comes back into the picture
Women already know the phenomenon: three four months after the breakup and sometimes even a year, the ex emerges from nowhere in a surprising text message that sometimes takes them back. Why does this happen and how is it best to respond?
He came back exactly when you calmed down, when you already managed not to enter his profile a million times a day, when you stopped checking if he watched your story, if he changed his profile picture and if he is online.
He came back when you finally returned to your life truly.
Suddenly out of nowhere you receive a short message: “Hi, what’s up?”
“It happens all the time, women of all ages in all statuses ask how it is that precisely when they managed to accept the breakup and let go of the guy, he suddenly returns.
It’s not magic and not coincidence.
It’s biology, it’s psychology and mainly, it’s a pattern that is important to know.
Let’s start with the fact that men and women experience breakups differently from each other.
There is a clear difference between the way and the pace in which men and women cope with a breakup.
Women tend to experience the intensity of pain immediately.
They talk, cry, unpack and process the story from every angle and every possible side.
Men, on the other hand, seemingly move on quite quickly.
They enter a new relationship quickly or simply continue with their lives in work, sports, social meetings and if they feel a vacuum they fill it with different distractions.
A study conducted at Binghamton University in New York found that women experience the breakup more sharply but recover from it better.
Men, on the other hand, in most cases, seem stronger and more whole at the beginning.
However, at a later emotional ignition, an average of three months, they begin to experience the breakup.
Only when the quiet arrives, when the distractions end, when he realizes that you are moving on and even flourishing he begins to process and there, usually, messages start arriving.
I see every time the same process: when women begin to heal from the intense trauma, her ex tends to come back.
It’s not because he changed, but because they changed, they formed a positive inner voice, a basis of existence and strong value, confidence, gratitude, joy of life and courage, which makes them stop clinging to him, to the fantasy and the story they created about him and essentially be free.
This energy called emotional stability attracts back even those who once were scared of it or could not meet it, and here opens a unique opportunity: not to bring someone back but to choose yourself and within yourself, even when he returns.
What is the meaning of these messages from the ex? How to relate to them?
When the ex returns with a casual message like ‘Hi, what’s up?’ or when he sends you a picture of something related to both of you or to you, it is almost never out of emotional clarity or conscious decision.
It’s usually a small peek, a test, an attempt to make sure the flame is still burning, that you are still there, still present and still responding to him.
He does not necessarily send a message because he wants to return, but because he feels the loss of control over you.
The moment he realizes you are no longer his, that he lost your presence, his brain reacts instinctively and the limbic system, responsible for emotions and emotional connections, works like an alarm system.
When an object that was identified as emotional comfort disappears, it signals danger, just like sugar, alcohol or cigarettes missing for a person used to them (you don’t have to be addicted, a habit is enough), and this is what causes many men to suddenly contact their exes without really thinking well or knowing why.”
“Important to understand: there is a huge difference between a man who writes to you because he misses you and you are missing to him and a man who chooses to return out of being aware to things like responsibility and maturity.
The first acts out of whim, temporary interest, curiosity, or wound, while the second acts from heart and mind.”
How to distinguish?
“If he is just checking the pulse and checking that you are there, he is actually asking you to be his safe place again, without committing or showing emotional presence.
If he really wants to return, he will say it explicitly: he will call, he will initiate, he will ask to sit and talk, he surely will not be satisfied with ‘Hi, what’s up’.”
And if he invites to a movie or a show?
If he writes ‘Do you want a movie?’ or ‘Going to a show together?’, this is not a proposal for a meeting, it’s a pulse check.
A man interested in returning does not throw a question, he calls or at least writes that he wants to talk to you and see you.”
How to respond to these messages?
Do not rush to reply.
Not every message requires an immediate response and more important than your reply, it is important that you first understand what you want and under what conditions.
Ask yourself how and what you feel in front of the message: longing? fear? hope?
This understanding will help you distinguish if it is a pattern, ego, or opportunity for healing.
Additionally, do not try to prove anything and do not be polite in the name of yourself and your values.
You do not need to show him that you have changed or that he missed an opportunity.
If you went through a process, he will feel it.
Remember: if he comes with a new message, he will not be satisfied with a random message.
He will initiate a conversation, take responsibility and appear.
If you know it is just a pulse check but you are still interested in him and want to see if he has desire and willingness for something beyond a simple meeting, you lead him to call you at a time that suits you.
A man not interested in a serious relationship likely will not try and call.
If he calls at the time you set and has new news he will say it.
If the conversation does not rise from his side to new news (for example: ‘I thought about it and decided that you are important to me and I want to give the relationship another chance’), end the conversation politely and move on.
A message from an ex can be very shaking and at the same time it can be a mirror reflecting responsibility, maturity, healing and change, because if once you got excited or scared from such a message, today you breathe deeply and first check what you want and what suits you, and this is a clear sign that not only the ex returned, but you returned. To yourself.”
And still, if there is longing?
“To not be sucked in by too much longing, you need a strong center, a based self-value, and a clear goal which is creating a quality and healthy relationship with a quality and healthy partner. Of course, you can approach guidance or counseling to formulate and strengthen the emotional and mental resilience required to create a good and clear relationship, and then even if you miss him, you are not sucked back.”